forgetful

Let me preface this rant by saying that I’m an engineer, with absolutely no marketing training and only a vague idea of how marketing works. I’m pretty sure however, that I’m capable of appreciating a good commercial, and one of my favourite times of the year occurs when the Cannes Ad Festival comes to the Bytowne theatre. The award winning ads are almost always funny, thoughtful, visually astounding or just so bizarre that they can’t possibly be forgotten (or some combination of these traits). I always leave the festival wondering why so few of the award winners are from North America – we seem to be stuck with flat, boring, uninspired commercials where we’re supposed to identify with a suburban family with some bratty kids and a clueless dad.

Anyway, I’m well aware that I do not fit the target audience for most commercials, so I’m really not in a good spot to judge their quality. I am pretty sure, however, that I am targeted by at least some ads, and two in particular that seem aimed at my age group and social standing I find particularly irksome.

The first is the CIBC ad featuring the good looking young couple expecting their first child. The guy walks in and sees his pregnant wife sitting on a chair, she asks “are we ready for this?” referring to the impending birth of their child (it’s probably a little too late to be asking that, but whatever), and he shows her that he woke up early to paint the baby’s new room. Cue the loving glances, swell some Lillith Fair music, and star-wipe to the CIBC logo. They really are ready for this baby! hooray for CIBC!

Wait… what? Sonja and I are in our mid twenties, and we just bought a house. We’re not starting a family any time soon, but we’re almost at that age (am I digging myself a hole here? possibly. I’ll continue anyway). I’d say we’re more or less in the target audience for this ad, and it certainly plays enough during shows we watch, which is usually a good indicator. Anyway, this ad dumbfounds me. I bank with BMO, and Sonja’s with TD. Our mortgage is with a third bank. Is it safe to assume then that since we don’t use CIBC that our child will be totally screwed? Doomed to a life of ill-prepared parents and an unpainted nursery? no loving glances? no Lillith Fair? That seems sort of harsh… a bit of a downer. Thanks for nothing BMO/TD – you’ve ruined our child.

Sarcasm aside, I get that they’re trying to show security – this good looking young couple is financially stable enough to start a family. But what does CIBC have to do with it? What separates them from other banks, besides their terrible commercials? Lower mortgage rates? More family-friendly banking plans? We don’t know… and I for one will never know, because their ad campaign is so lame, I have no real inclination to find out more about them if I ever decided that BMO isn’t meeting my needs.

Moving on, the other ad I just don’t understand is the Bailey’s “let your senses guide you” ad with all the scantily-clad good looking young people drinking GLASSES FULL OF BAILEYS at a beach party. One of the floozies accidentally burns a marshmallow, and being an adventurous little scamp, she extinguishes it in her friend’s glass of Baileys. Then some adventurous guy who fell out of an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog does the same thing, but on purpose! Then the party really starts to get out of control when two girls dip two burning marshmallows into the same glass! You can bet your ass that the party’s amped up now! Good times for all!

Forgetting my personal belief that there are few things that sound grosser than a charred marshmallow covered in Baileys (notice that you never see any of them actually enjoying this alleged treat), let’s break this one down a bit. First of all, it seems safe to assume that these partygoers are hammered during the ad – it’s late, they’re at a party, and they’re all acting mildly retarded. Nothing wrong with being drunk – I’ve been known to enjoy a cocktail from time to time. Are we to assume though, that they’ve gotten hammered on Baileys exclusively? Is that even possible? Isn’t Baileys like half cream? There’s probably at least 12 people at this party – wouldn’t they need like 15-20 bottles of Baileys to get even remotely buzzed (they’re all young and athletic, and Baileys is only 17% alcohol)? With the possible exception of alcoholics who have exhausted all other liquor possibilities (you know, like Tom Hanks as the alcoholic uncle on Family Ties), has anybody ever even poured themselves an entire glass of Baileys?

For some reason, I find this ad sort of insulting. I guess it’s just the old beer ad formula – good looking people having fun enjoying a branded beverage without actually showing any of them drinking it, but there’s one small problem… Baileys isn’t beer. Mindblowing, I know. Baileys is an after-dinner liqueur. Or a coffee additive. Or an ingredient in some greater drink. It’s certainly to be enjoyed in small doses – that’s why it comes in smaller bottles than say, vodka. I’ve definitely never seen a Texas mickey of Baileys.

Anyway, I’m told a purpose of an effective commercial is to make sure the viewer knows what the commercial is for, and that they remember it when the commercial is over. Well, mission accomplished, I suppose. Well played CIBC and Baileys. I’m not sure how making your products seem so nauseatingly lame that I have no interest in ever using them helps you sell more products, but hey, like I said, I don’t know anything about marketing. I’m just a guy with disposable income who puts his money in a bank, shops for mortgages, and drinks alcohol every once in a while.

Last 5 songs heard on my iPod: “Chicago” – Surfjan Stevens, “Distortion to Static” – the Roots, “Get Your Head Down” – Luke Vibert, “Everyday People” – Sly & the Family Stone, “Pillars” – Sunny Day Real Estate