Sonja and I had the pleasure of attending the Senators game at Scotiabank Place on Monday night (“Scotiabank Place” is probably the most bland, uninspiring name for a sports arena ever, so from here on in, I’ll refer to it as “the Vault” to fool you into thinking that Ottawa is hipper than it is). A good time was had by all – the good guys won, McGratton (!) scored, and the Sens got 6 goals, giving everybody in the building a free slice of cardboard Pizza Pizza. Not bad, not bad. Surely there’s nothing rant-worthy about such a successful evening, right?
WRONG!
The parking lot situation at the Vault (see how much cooler that is?) is the most excrutiating, frustrating experience one can endure in this city. The massive parking lots have (at most) two exits, and no defined rows or attendants to direct the flow of traffic, so everybody just drives straight for the exits making it impossible for anybody to get out – it’s like trying to squeeze a cat through a keyhole (or something along those lines – you get the idea).
Now you might be saying, “But mark, that’s what happens when you have 18000 cars trying to exit a lot all at once. Get your head out of your ass!”
Not true, friends. I’ve had the pleasure, on numerous occasions, of attending baseball games at Safeco field in Seattle. Not only do they get a lot of walk-up traffic because that stadium isn’t in the middle of absolutely nowhere (that’s a rant for another time), but they also have the most well-organized, well-designed parking lot and exiting-strategy I’ve ever seen. The whole parking lot is empty in 15 minutes, thanks to plenty of exits, well-timed traffic lights, and police officers with those glow-stick things directing everybody where they have to go. 15 minutes. incredible.
Now, maybe there have been vast improvements in strategic parking lot design in the few years between the building of the Vault and Safeco field, but I doubt it. The Vault was built in the middle of nowhere, giving them a clean slate to design whatever parking lot system they wanted, and they somehow managed to do the worst job possible. Was an urban planner even involved in the plans? Common sense would say “yes, of course”… the results, sadly, say “hell no”.
“take the bus! you’ll skip the whole ordeal!”
Not so. Of course, if the planners of this catastophe had been smart (they weren’t), they’d have given the busses their own exit onto the Queensway and their own lanes from the Vault back into the city so people would be more motivated to take the bus (faster + enviro friendliness). Unfortunately, the busses use the same exits as the cars, and the bus-only lanes don’t start until somewhere after Kanata, so the bus is even worse – instead of sitting in the comfort of your own car listening to your own music while you don’t move, the bus offers the chance to sit beside some stoned/drunk teenagers making out with each other while you don’t move. Serenity now!
The whole situation is ridiculous, and if anybody reading this was involved in the design of the Vault’s parking system, you suck at your job, and you’re probably a jerk.
Last 5 songs heard on my iPod: “Sympathy for the Devil” – Rolling Stones, “She Moves She” – Four Tet, “The Other Side” – Dismemberment Plan, “Helicopter” – Bloc Party, “Orange Car Crash” – As The Poets Affirm
dan - The Vault makes it sound so … secure and thick-walled. We should probably also change the team name to the GIC’s, or The Mortgage (singular, a la “Magic”, or “Heat”).
I think you should close off all of your rants with “_______, you suck at your job and you’re probably a jerk.” … filling in the blank with whomever you are blasting.
Finally, agreed on parking. They weren’t working within any space constraints – it should have been easy.
Sonja - Having missed the lion’s share of the 1st period of a pre-season game because I was sitting on the Queensway off-ramp (otherwise know as Palladium Drive) for 40 minutes, I too have a lot of rage in regards to the parking disaster at the Vault.
Why the hell would you build major sports arena in the middle of an empty field so that no one can walk to it? People living in Kanata can’t even walk there easily. They have to walk through a bunch of parking lots, past a couple office buildings, and finally through the Vault’s massive parking lot to get to the rink’s entrance. Had they at least built it on the east side of the plot of land it would have helped.
And, because they don’t have proper lanes or parking attendants, you have to deal with asshole drivers who either won’t let other people in or merge when it is not their turn. It reminds me of queuing up for the chairlift at a European ski hill where it’s every man for himself – get your elbows up, stand on people’s ski and push your way to the front. Although in the parking lot, it becomes a game of chicken between $60,000 cars, cheap beaters, big trucks, and SUVs. The Vault could really learn a thing or two from Camp Fortune – rope off some traffic lanes and have an attendant at the end in charge of making people alternate.
The half-assed system they have now is so goddamn stupid I think my head is going to explode.
Shan - And never mind feeling the urge to miss a possible second encore in order to haul ass outta there to be able to beat the rush. You should have seen Dan and I sprinting towards the car after the Coldplay concert. Hilarious.
Jessie - Brilliant, just brilliant. What a column. Having been to the Palladium perhaps 3 times in my life, I wholeheartedly concur. By the way, whoever decided that companies could name these places was a loser too. The Palladium was a perfectly good name. I think it’s time we all went back to using it.
I can’t wait to hear about the guy at work who actually drives an Aztec. Did he win on Survivor or something?