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OAFE award: chocolate milk

I was recently looking through the few columns I’ve posted, and noticed something disturbing.  25% of my column output to this point has been (at least moderately) in praise of reality television.  Sure, I call it a guilty pleasure, openly admit that I’m ashamed of myself for watching, and I make fun of it wherever I can.  However, not only have I been watching this crap, but I’ve also been taking the time to write about it which, to some degree, promotes it.  That’s pretty awful.  I don’t like these shows, and I don’t want them to succeed.

Therefore, to change things up, I’m going to write about something that I do want to succeed, that I’m proud to love, and without a word of hyperbole is probably the greatest invention of all time:  chocolate milk.

Growing up, I never had chocolate milk.  My parents were too concerned about trivial matters like “healthy eating” and “cavity-free check-ups”.  In retrospect, it was probably a good idea – if a supply of chocolate milk had existed in our house, it would have been consumed at every opportunity, including on cereal, Calvin and Hobbes-style. 

However, now that I’m an adult (more-or-less), I can (and do) consume chocolate milk at every opportunity, and I can never seem to have enough of it.  I’m addicted, my desire fuelled by 18 years of chocolate milk scarcity.  It’s not that normal homo milk is bad, it’s just a bit too… gay.

(sorry, I couldn’t resist)

The weird thing is, I don’t even really like chocolate.  Most peculiar.

Anyway, while performing research for this column (research being synonymous for “checking to see if there’s a ‘chocolate milk’ entry on wikipedia” – there is), I learned a few interesting things about my favourite drink:

  • Having a good ratio of protein and carbohydrates, it’s a good thing to drink after sports.  This ratio also makes it a good hangover cure.  So basically, it goes well with sports and beer – sorry dogs, man has a new best friend.
  • Despite containing a lot of calcium, you don’t get much calcium from drinking chocolate milk because the calcium reacts with oxalic acid, creating a salt that can’t be metabolized.  I guess this isn’t really a good thing, but who needs calcium, anyway?  Osteoporosis is an old wives tale.

Fascinating.  In fact, I’m so enamored with chocolate milk and it’s abilities to make a crappy day at work slightly less crappy, I’m going to award an OAFE award to chocolate milk.  The recognition is long overdue.

last 5 songs: “come back” – pearl jam; “memorial day” – perceptionists; “cowboys” – portishead; “maps (YYYs cover)” – the arcade fire; “sodom, south georgia” – iron & wine

September 8, 2006 - 1:18 pm

Shannen - I didn’t read who posted this before reading it and assumed the whole time that it was Dan. This is not because of his love of chocolate milk, but because I caved on a chocolate craving a few days ago and bought a 1L carton of the stuff…for the first time in about 15 years. We’ve both enjoyed a glass of half (chocolate)and half (regular)in the evenings since.

It may become a new staple Chez Fullerton. And if I can’t have beer, I might as well drink chocolate milk…though apparently not for the calcium.

September 8, 2006 - 1:26 pm

Sonja - I’m a big fan of chocolate milk powders and in fact, rarely ever buy the pre-made stuff. While Quik is decent enough, my personal favorite is the extra-rich one made by the good people at President’s Choice. Drinking this one, however, is a guilty pleasure, so I stick with Ovaltine as my go-to mix because I actually like the taste and am convinced that the malt makes it good for you.

September 8, 2006 - 1:37 pm

dan - I reluctantly stomach full-strength chocolate milk (or Vico, as it was called in Saskatchewan), but much prefer half and half chocolate / 1%.

I too am a fan of the chocolate powder. My favourite thing to do with it is put the powder on top of vanilla ice cream, and then pour normal milk in. Then if you stir it up just right, it’s like a make-your-own chocolate milkshake.


September 8, 2006 - 2:04 pm

mark - “I reluctantly stomach full-strength chocolate milk”


September 8, 2006 - 7:05 pm

Jen - Arcade Fire does a cover of Maps?

Good to know!

I haven’t had chocolate milk since an incident circa 1996 where I tried to sneak a mouthful of CM right out of the carton (in time for my Mom not see) only to end up with a mouthful of curdled….something. Sickest thing ever.

September 8, 2006 - 7:13 pm

dan - Full strength chocolate milk is too … something. It’s so much better mixed with white milk. Kinda like how Halle Berry is so much better than Whitney Houston.

Ouch – zing! That’ll get me in some sort of trouble somewhere …

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