Day 115 – Letting go…

A few days from now Jaia will be starting school.  Junior Kindergarten.  A big step.  One she can’t wait for, and one I don’t know how I’m going to handle.  There may be tears.  Or should I say there will be tears.  And not necessarily from her.

I feel like a minute and a half ago she was placed in my arms as a newborn and then I blinked and 3 and a half years passed.  I find myself staring at her now with a lump in my throat.  She’s grown up so much.  She can write all of her ABCs and is starting to string letters together to make words.  She can get her own drink from the fridge now and can dress herself.  She’ll spend hours completing puzzles.  She likes computers.  A curious little one, she questions everything.  She’s so independent, not wanting mama or daddy to help her anymore –  with almost anything.  But then, as we walk down the street I still feel her tiny hand take mine and my heart beats just a little faster as I realize that the days of us holding hands this way aren’t going to last forever.

Soon enough she’ll want to do everything on her own.  And holding her mama’s hand won’t be cool anymore.  And school is where this all starts.  It’s her first real venture out into the world by herself.  Her first chance to gain her own identity, her own friends, her own self.  I couldn’t be more proud of her right now.  Or of myself and Dan for raising this little miss who I don’t only love because she’s my daughter, but also because of who she has become.  She’s such a sweet, sensitive, caring little person.  I feel so lucky that she’s mine.

The next two weeks will be a real challenge for this mama.  An exercise in letting go.  We are stepping into uncharted territory.  A new world.  Exciting and terrifying all at the same time.  All the friends and family I’ve talked to about this tell me she’s ready.  She’s more than ready.  Problem is…I’m not sure I am.  But as we walk towards school on her first day and I take her tiny hand in mine as I take a deep breath, nervous about what lies ahead, she’ll reassure me that she’ll be ok.  I know she will.  But will i?